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the life we lose and why we miss it  



the journal I still have from kindergarten 


I haven’t lost it yet 


some things I cannot forget


some things I think should be gone and



my six year old skin


how much I wanted to kiss him back then


when my parents would kiss 


and my dad would make dinner


when little girls ate without aim to be thinner


the ID I left in New York


last December 


the winter we spent in Virginia


the stranger who smiled 


when high schools 


didn’t allow




the keys and the keys and the keys and the keys


and the lock, honestly 


before February 14th, 2018


the way you would kiss me


how much you missed me


all of the dreams that I wished we would be


back when I had dreams 






I didn’t 




and now I know them infinitely. 

I know that building intimately- I know she’s dancing 



down the stairs ..    


wondering how many stairs it takes until her mother 

makes it there


to bring her home. 



she never makes it


she never gets older




age fourteen


is as old as we’ll know her



if ever there was a time when we didn’t praise





I miss kindergarten 


learning about colors


sucking at numbers


expecting I’ll live past 100


I miss just existing


before monthly bleeding


I miss you. 

    And I miss you.

          And I miss you.  



there. I said it.  


you are the reason 


I’m writing this 


you are every reason


to live on


to remember


to forget


to murder murderers and protect children. 


you are every lost piece of me


the keys and the ID, and 


the lock, honestly


you’re exactly why I miss it

how I lost it


where I’ll run to find it 











I look for you in all lost things. I hear you in my earrings- one in my bed, one that I.. 


left somewhere-


sometimes I think I could never miss anything

the way that I miss you.


I remember what I’ve lost, what I’ll lose- 


it doesn’t end.  the losing 












(I have to get better at forgetting)

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